10 Things You Didn’t Know About Vampires

Original by another default @ Deviantart.com

Original by another default @ Deviantart.com

It is the advent of a new American century, of hope and change, of humans and vampires living together. With the help of the National Organization of Altered Humankind (NOAH), pro-Integration United States is now at the cusp of immense technological progress, state of the art medical innovations, and new promising careers with unlimited growth potential.

Rising from a global recession, unpredictable climate change and unemployment, recycling didn’t save us in the 21st century; vampires did.

Original by Hexphotography @ Deviantart.com

Original by Hexphotography @ Deviantart.com

Vampiric technology, although immensely promising, is hard and dangerous to harness. According to a study done by our NOAH experts, only 13% of the population who ingest vampire blood are likely to turn, 51% are likely to die, and 34% are likely to become Berserkers—aborted vampires who retain certain vampiric qualities but are disposed of all human cognition.

Yikes! And we don’t want that, do we? So leave the danger to us; vampires are our specialty!

Fact 3

Registered Vampires, or more properly a DAP (a Documented Altered Person), is required by state and federal law to carry different liability insurance, take anti-vampiric pills, go through sessions of chemical infusions, group counseling, and fulfill the requirements of their monthly Integration Progress Report.

After all, everybody needs a second chance even with a bad credit or a history of vampirism. Here at NOAH we offer competitive rates!

Original by Quilla Coffins

Original by Quilla Coffins

Whoever said coffins are out of style? Here at NOAH we offer modern, luxurious, eco-friendly designer brands.

All of our models are high-class, high-gloss varnished, lightweight, transportable, nanoclay-modified, soy resin-based, biocomposite, biodegradable, UV-protected, Wi-Fi enabled, and U.S. customs approved.

Don’t just be a safe surrogate, be a happy safe surrogate!

Sign up today to receive our catalog, sales and specials!

Original syringe photo by kipkent-d5awsk5 @ Deviantart.com

Original syringe photo by kipkent-d5awsk5 @ Deviantart.com

For many years there have been so many products that claim to be “the most effective.” At last, due to our highly specialized research in vampiric technology, we can put all your worries to rest.

From our patented natural hair follicle stimulation to our permanent male enhancement process, we promise to deliver big with a bang for your buck!

Designed to give you a massive boost in sex drive and immediate body recomposition, you don’t have to worry about having a bad experience ever again. Activate your beastmode in the bedroom and unleash the alpha in you! Optimize your performance today, and experience the magnum difference of our clinically tested, all-natural male enhancers with a 100% money back guarantee!

Fact 6

No needles, no scalpels, no pain, no scars, no worries!

Improve your appearance and self-esteem by looking the way you want to look. Whether its eyelid, facelift, buttlift, rhinoplasty, abdominoplasty, body contouring, fat transfer, breast augmentation or labia minora reductions, we specialize in meeting your expectations because we want you to be happy and have a positive outlook in life.

Chat with our award-winning, internationally renowned, double-board certified master surgeons and get a private complimentary consultation today!

Special financing available. Subject to credit approval.

Original by sedats @ Deviantart.com

Original by sedats @ Deviantart.com

Have you been reading books about rehabilitated DAPs? Have you been furnishing your home to be vampire-friendly? Have you been looking up pictures of our Program graduates late at night? Well maybe it’s time you adopt a vampire!

Maybe you’ve lost someone in the past. Or maybe you just want affection, companionship, or maybe you’ve lost faith in humankind. Whatever it is, it’s none of our business. This is America. Everyone needs love and attention, especially you.

All you need to do is pass our credit check, background check, psychological tests and compatibility procedures, and you’ll soon be on your way to spending your nights with a true lifetime companion: a living, breathing vampire!

Original by hairtonic @ Deviantart.com

Original by hairtonic @ Deviantart.com

Not since the Twilight Wars that a vampire has committed a crime to a single human being, and that was over fifty years ago!

Stop living in the past and start getting with the Program. Don’t be a monster; instead help one.

Fact 9

Guardians are our DAP’s federally-assigned human proxies. These highly-trained, special operatives are experts in combat and prosecution. As agents of Integration, Guardians have sworn to protect the lives of their assigned vampires and also to protect you well beyond Integration.

So have no fear! They put their lives on the line so you don’t have to!

Fact 10

Sign up below and be one of our prospective candidates!

Vampire Americana is my debut novel, set to come out in November this year. If you like what you see here, feel free to sign up below for future updates and freebies.

You can also follow me on Twitter: @rgtamaki, or “like” me on Facebook.

Amen.

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